not the merriest?

the past two years I didn't so much as put a tree or a wreath up. This year I helped Johnna decorate her tree but still..christmas loses it's fun without a big family i think. If i had children of my own I'd have a good time. Instead it seems like a chore to get gifts for other people. I was thrilled when my boss (DJ Sterby) said on air at least twice that he was souped about the gifts I gave him. Naturally it was a case of 40s hah. $25 was worth it. I'd like to think I am good at giving gifts. I am most excited for gifts I haven't even given yet...I got my brother a bottle of meritage red wine. He got me a bottle of Vodka...i'm not a big vodka drinker so I'm probably gonna save it for Gaspee Days, maybe start a collection for people to make drinks with. Already I'm looking forward to the summer, nevermind New Years' (even though I'm goin silly thinkin of ideas for that night too) because I am not a fan of xmas..I also started saying "xmas" because I'm lazy. I went to midnight mass to see my bro, and I was just really annoyed with the holiday. Not sure why. well I do. but I'm over it. wah wah wee wah. Here comes '09 and I vow to make 365 entries with more photos etc. Should be grande. or a lot worse, hah...

365 Days to a better year

Every year people vow to make this year the best year of their live. I vow that the next year be better than the last, because I almost hope to never reach the point of my best point of my life. I can pin point my lowest parts of my life but I vow to make positive steps daily towards an amazing 2009. What are those steps? I'm not sure, but they will include the little things that I can control yet are easily put off. Loosely put, I'll watch my father an do the opposite..not to be mean towards him, but I'll use his actions as inspiration. I noticed today when my neighbor Beth and her sister Katie came over to borrow a simple staple gun...took my father about 20 minutes (when we chatted about how my father has changed :/ ) to find and another 10 to get the staples. Why we don't have a Christmas tree is that my brother's belongings are in the dining room and my father has..well too much crap. Anyhow, it'll work for me...with 365 posts on this blog next year (unless it's a leap year..but I don't think it is) I'll have an amazing 2oo9!

Now I freak

So I heard all this talk of the econmy doing poorly and I didn't freak much. I was very carefree or "meh" about it all. When I left Best Buy I said I'll go somewhere else, and I did. I pretty much broke even going for my Insurance License and ordering business cards etc. Still keeping my $8/hr at the liquor store I still had money. I still saved for a rainy day. I've been investing since I was 12 after my great aunt Alice left me some money. Today however I saw that I need some money so I called Travis, my financial advisor over at Ameriprise. His response was "i got laid off mike sorry, here is Dan's number..talk to his assistant Maggie' What the fuck..That isn't a good sign of the economy. At least for me. I'm going to try a $50 a week budget and see where that lands me..I'm freakin out man

Maybe I should just give up or stop trying...

Leaving the bar tonight I said to my friend Blake "i don't know man, I don't get life sometimes" and I stand by that. He's going through life decisions as much as the rest of us. Where am I? Who knows..with the "holidays" upon us I can't help but wonder about how they used to be. When my mother was with us everything was right with the world. The family would come to my house and have dinner, the uncles and myself would watch football and wait for "dinner's on" call. The days before would be hectic but not filled with "work" as they have been. I "bought" gifts for my family with my parents' money. Ironically my ex-girlfriend who dealt with my mother's death with me texted me today because she ran into my father while she was working as a school nurse. An "adult" in every sense of the word. Independent, self sufficient grown up...at 23. What does that mean for me at 25..making shit for money and struggling to pay back the loans that got me to this dead end job? I take a step back and look at myself versus others and haven't a clue why. Some people inspire me, others make me frustrated, and then there are some that make me feel good about myself. I am not happy with myself however. That hurts. I recently decided to go another direction in a relationship that may or may not have gone wonderfully but I'll never know but I sure as hell think about it everyday. I feel safe writing that because I know she'll read this and has contacted me lately to let me know she's thinking of me. Why we did what we did has a lot to do with me an how I am not where I want to be...I don't think you can argue with someone who isn't who they want to be.
Tuesdays is normally when I spend a few hours with a great friend of mine who also shares the 25 year old issues that life has sent us. She and I take different routes and offer advice or insight to the best of our knowledge. I think i enjoy our time together because we both have problems that we can both relate to but don't try to solve problems. I don't put myself in her shoes vice versa...I'd tell her my take or how I'd interpret a situation if I was someone else and she'd do the same. I'd like to think that we're both better or at very least happier people but I can't be certain. We're both brutally honest with each other and respect each other's opinions but I held back a little bit as of late because she's been in shoes I never have been. I don't like the shoes I'm in however,
Largely friends have told me that I haven't been the same lately...even my new workplace calls me "mike" and I am not used to it. I don't feel like I belong there but I haven't felt as if I've belonged to any job. Never been proud of one until after I left. Even then I don't feel like a career person. I don't like that, i'd much rather be proud of what I do instead of having to explain to people what I do. What I went to school for is complicated but what it's classified as isn't.
I wonder if maybe I should be looking for other jobs, better jobs, jobs in different places? Then I think "well..that's selfish of me...my father needs me to be here" and I bring myself back to my friend Blake's shoes. His parents rely on him to a point where my father and I are not. I'd love to hit fast forward and be a grown man with children. Give my dad grandchildren (i regret my mother was never a grandmother :( ) but I can't...I'm 25 and stuck in this portion of my life. I don't want pity for it...I don't rely on a divine sign..no do I want people to be overly nice to me for it. I do appreciate how everyone I mentioned me lack of thanksgiving day plans to have offered me their home....but I don't want to be a charity case. Maybe going somewhere else is the answer, maybe staying here is the answer, maybe I haven't even entertained the answer but I do want to have a better idea than I do now.
My greatest dislike is false hope...I tend to be the person who imagines how things, situations "can be" an when they aren't that way..I toss and turn, I throw a fit, I cry, I bitch and moan, I hate..I just don't know what to expect next..and by the time that is over I've missed 7 opportunities. I am a huge fan of karma and always try to stay positive but sometimes it's hard. Mostly when people give me my own advice, then I love to hate them. I hope all the right people read this but in the meantime I'll close with a movie sample from an Aesop Rock song called "the yes and y'all":

"Maybe I should just give up or stop trying
But life is so uncertain, so short
I've got to keep on searching
And wherever it takes me, I've got to go"

lost?

So I am far from thrilled with my life as it stand on so many levels. I could probably count the levels but I'm too frustrated to do so. Firstly...pops is dating, whatev that's fine..he can get on with his life. I should be happy but as anyone knows it's the not easiest emotion to go through. When he says "what are you doing for thanksgiving? I've been invited to Connecticut" ...I didn't know how to take it, still don't actually. I know he doesn't really like my mom's family too much but this is too much too quick for me. May 11 2006 wasn't that long ago. It's my brother's birthday today so I'll e-mail him and see what his plans are otherwise I'll probably just stay home and be pissed off. If even he and I go to my cousins' it'll be ok. We'll see.
Secondly my job isn't cutting it for me. Calls from student loans annoy the shit out of me because I don't have money for them. I think I'm just going to become a hermit for a while and only drive to work and back. As long as I go to Dave's on Thursdays and movies on Tuesdays then I'll see my closest friends.
Thirdly I suppose..I've been trying to come by some software so I can make extra (needed) money from editing. Thankfully my buddy came by some that could help me but I'm having a hard time to get them to work..which adds to my shitty mood. The only thing making me feel slightly better is people agreeing with my mood or understanding it. I'm not looking for advice unless it's "hey i have a job for you" or "this is how you can defer your loans". I'm also not enjoying when people are just oblivious to other's problems and try to be overly funny...it's only one person actually and he's always been the same way. Whatev. I won't go into what else has added to my frustration because..well I don't even know what to say but I know I'd hate to go online and read how someone felt about me.
Either way I don't know what I'm going to do next, where I'm going to do it..or why actually. I do know that I am going to the gym in about 8 minutes to run my ass off and blast my ears with the grittiest metal music that is on my iPod.

thoughts from the workplace...

I hate "shine radio" anything preachy really..and that is the epitome of preach. I like to come into work early (as cold as it is my "office" was warm today! I sat back, turned on my radio..started with some Gruvis Malt and started moving files etc. Yentry walks in and Bam! I start rolling my eyes cause of his radio, and he always calls me "brother". He is at least 20ft away from me but he tends to walk over an go through paperwork I haven't touched yet and it's annoying. Also jackie isn't here on fridays to laugh about it with me so I keep it to myself. Instead I'll blog about it like a nerd. Free is an awesome band to hear in the morning also..and the Fugees. Don't tell jackie though since she hates Lauryn Hill after her racist comments. Music is still good. This weekend promises to be a good one starting with Juice's costume concert..followed by something else in costume (that sounds kinky) and the next day is Breanna Marold's sweet 16 party followed by Havican's sweet 27 party. Debauchery is what it is really. Suinday I look forward too because I can sleep in, and sleep in I shall!

please please please, let me devour what's inside you

So the pops is gettin old. Doin crazy things. I come home from work yesterday to find 8 trees cut down. Not small trees. Giant 20+ years old trees. He has talked about getting someone to look at them..instead he calls a company Thursday afternoon and Friday they show up at 11.30 to cut em all down. He's also begun work on the Mustang. Right meow it is at our mechanic Dave's place to put on some new tires. Some woman he's seeing convinced him to start taking some herbs to help his eye (sometimes it goes out of focus) and to help him sleep better (he's got the sleep apnea thing). I was seconds away from just saying "smoke a joint dad"...not sure how that would have gone down. hah. 

Tonight starts Halloween festivities so to speak..Kelly Havican is having people over and I'm dressing as a vampire. Chyeaahhh. I'm wicked stuck on dancy tunes lately. Kings of Leon, MGMT, Young Love, The Rapture...i'm gonna make a badass mix cd that will be played at every party...evere! Well maybe not ever, but watch out Fat Man Scoop!  

The more and more I think about where I am..in general I think January will yield a new job. Either with www.winkflash.com when they go into more graphics or with a completely new company. 2010 still seems like I'll be in florida, do something I haven't done. Not just get out of the "comfort zone" but...sometimes I think maybe I'm in the position I am in so that I can move for some ridiculous reason that I don't know. One of those "well if i never took that left then I wouldn't have seen so and so" I'm an optimist so I figure it'll be "if I never moved to Florida then I wouldn 't have gotten that job" or something of the sort. It could be anything but it's what I keep thinking.  Nothing has quite changed my mind about it so I keep planning on it. 

Stay positive and keep thinking right? An answer will come along and put me in my place. For now it's time to get ready to become a vampire...I wonder how well the teeth will work, maybe I can open my beer with them, time to get to work on this!

moving right along

So I'm another week into the new jobee. It's warming up to me. I enjoy it but last week was super busy and ...it wasn't too much at once but I haven't mastered everything yet so I just pictured everything that could go wrong would. However, it was all good. Jackie talks of always looking around for jobs though, and she's been there for a year-ish (i forget exactly) so I feel as if I can work there for a year...maybe until I decide to move to West Palm Beach :) 

I've always admired people who do such things as move away for a while and can leave everything. I know right now I could benefit from doing something that drastic (to me it's drastic). Even following Ryan Lang's blog about the chapter in his life about grad school. Ya see...I had lunch today with Lisa Marold who is always taking a step back to see where she is in life an how to better herself. When we worked together we always talked about awesome plans, some of which we followed through on, others fell through. We always talked about getting new jobs, and motivated each other. I had mixed feeling about leaving Haxton's because I knew she'd be happy to see  me go and a bit sad cause..well I'd be leaving.  So the moral of the story is to be a bit selfish when you're trying to figure things out. I've always enjoyed the quote "It's in change that we find purpose" and it couldn't be more true

Eulogy - Ben Kenney

If I die from

Something so much less than smart

Know you've always held my heart

Even if we're torn apart

If I leave you

Underdone and under whelmed

Just remember how it felt

Try to think of how it felt

I want my eulogy to say

He was the kind of friend that no one could replace

And I want my family to know,

That I love them more than words will ever show

If I miss my

Chance to make things right with you

Know how much I want it too

Know how much I need it too

Maybe someday

We'll look back at this and laugh

Maybe this is all we have

Maybe this is all we have

I want my eulogy to say

He was the kind of friend that no one could replace

And I want my family to know,

That I love them more than words will ever show

I want me eulogy to say

If I die from

Something so much less than smart

Know you've always held my heart

Even if we're torn apart

I want my eulogy to say

I want my eulogy to say

I want my eulogy to say

And I want my family to know,

That I love them more than words will ever show

first Blog

I used to make fun of bloggers even though I more or less blogged on a weekly basis via myspace "surveys" which aren't really surveys at all but instead are a way of addressing if you're single or not and if so why...without directly mentioning one person. It also allows me to tell people who choose to read it what I am doing that week, what I'm wearing, what I'm listening to etc.  Stalking with permission to an extent. Now that I have weekends off I find myself ridiculously bored and looking for things to do. I've been cleaning my room and office, washing laundry far too often, reading more, watching more movies..whatever I can to occupy myself. I've been going to the gym 5 or 6 times a week too and feel awesome. The biggest weight on my chest has been money. Who doesn't have this concern right now? With the new job I was two weeks without pay and now that I did get paid...my other payments all went through so now I have about $8 chillin in my checking account waiting for Friday. I must thank all of my friends for being there in the meantime when I say "I don't want to go out I don't have any money" they'll all spot me a beer here and there saying not to worry about it. I chalk it up to karma and my wonderful friends wanting me to get drunk :) 

About the new job...it's fun. My boss is the DJ for Poorly Drawn People so it's almost a given that he's a well rounded character. His artwork is amazing too, a lot of graffiti art. I throughly enjoy being around artwork all day too. I'm back to using photoshop on a daily basis and listening to broader spectrum of music (if that's possible for me?) because of Pandora. My good friend Jackie likes Oingo Boingo and Talking Heads, whereas Sterby only listens to underground hip/hop...and I suppose I got everything in between. I work next to a very nice woman Dominga, who speaks very broken english. I'm minutes away from picking up Rosetta Stone. Gentry is the man who is love with Christ..calls me "brother" (i think he forgets my name) and listens to religious radio all day. I'm very surprised he doesn't hate me for all the f-bombs that come out of my speakers. I do have the "hey Gentry my brother is a seminarian" card up my sleeves...then he'll love me. I do miss the Haxton's crew of course but not so much the workplace. 

My dad is a habitual pack-rat and I think it's finally getting to him. He's been dating recently and I'm sure he's learning as I have that it's not too impressive to show a woman your house that is far from clean. My mother only tolerated it because she was a saint and married to my father for 30 years. Today he spoke of moving our offices together into the dining room. Which makes complete sense because he and I haven't used the dining room since last Christmas when we invited some aunts and uncles over. Lately we've just gone to his brother's place for everything. My aunt Kathy is a neat freak so he sees our house isn't fit to host people. That's probably why the 1 party a year I have is outside. The thing that got me though was when he said we should "part" with some furniture. I'm all for it..but it was just the way he said it. It's a new chapter I suppose. So...time for a new pen.