Leaving the bar tonight I said to my friend Blake "i don't know man, I don't get life sometimes" and I stand by that. He's going through life decisions as much as the rest of us. Where am I? Who knows..with the "holidays" upon us I can't help but wonder about how they used to be. When my mother was with us everything was right with the world. The family would come to my house and have dinner, the uncles and myself would watch football and wait for "dinner's on" call. The days before would be hectic but not filled with "work" as they have been. I "bought" gifts for my family with my parents' money. Ironically my ex-girlfriend who dealt with my mother's death with me texted me today because she ran into my father while she was working as a school nurse. An "adult" in every sense of the word. Independent, self sufficient grown up...at 23. What does that mean for me at 25..making shit for money and struggling to pay back the loans that got me to this dead end job? I take a step back and look at myself versus others and haven't a clue why. Some people inspire me, others make me frustrated, and then there are some that make me feel good about myself. I am not happy with myself however. That hurts. I recently decided to go another direction in a relationship that may or may not have gone wonderfully but I'll never know but I sure as hell think about it everyday. I feel safe writing that because I know she'll read this and has contacted me lately to let me know she's thinking of me. Why we did what we did has a lot to do with me an how I am not where I want to be...I don't think you can argue with someone who isn't who they want to be.
Tuesdays is normally when I spend a few hours with a great friend of mine who also shares the 25 year old issues that life has sent us. She and I take different routes and offer advice or insight to the best of our knowledge. I think i enjoy our time together because we both have problems that we can both relate to but don't try to solve problems. I don't put myself in her shoes vice versa...I'd tell her my take or how I'd interpret a situation if I was someone else and she'd do the same. I'd like to think that we're both better or at very least happier people but I can't be certain. We're both brutally honest with each other and respect each other's opinions but I held back a little bit as of late because she's been in shoes I never have been. I don't like the shoes I'm in however,
Largely friends have told me that I haven't been the same lately...even my new workplace calls me "mike" and I am not used to it. I don't feel like I belong there but I haven't felt as if I've belonged to any job. Never been proud of one until after I left. Even then I don't feel like a career person. I don't like that, i'd much rather be proud of what I do instead of having to explain to people what I do. What I went to school for is complicated but what it's classified as isn't.
I wonder if maybe I should be looking for other jobs, better jobs, jobs in different places? Then I think "well..that's selfish of me...my father needs me to be here" and I bring myself back to my friend Blake's shoes. His parents rely on him to a point where my father and I are not. I'd love to hit fast forward and be a grown man with children. Give my dad grandchildren (i regret my mother was never a grandmother :( ) but I can't...I'm 25 and stuck in this portion of my life. I don't want pity for it...I don't rely on a divine sign..no do I want people to be overly nice to me for it. I do appreciate how everyone I mentioned me lack of thanksgiving day plans to have offered me their home....but I don't want to be a charity case. Maybe going somewhere else is the answer, maybe staying here is the answer, maybe I haven't even entertained the answer but I do want to have a better idea than I do now.
My greatest dislike is false hope...I tend to be the person who imagines how things, situations "can be" an when they aren't that way..I toss and turn, I throw a fit, I cry, I bitch and moan, I hate..I just don't know what to expect next..and by the time that is over I've missed 7 opportunities. I am a huge fan of karma and always try to stay positive but sometimes it's hard. Mostly when people give me my own advice, then I love to hate them. I hope all the right people read this but in the meantime I'll close with a movie sample from an Aesop Rock song called "the yes and y'all":
"Maybe I should just give up or stop trying
But life is so uncertain, so short
I've got to keep on searching
And wherever it takes me, I've got to go"
